As an advisor, I don't really care if you get a divorce. But I do care if your misery and discontent are causing you to do dumb math. Fine, hate him or her - but you're not going to make a $150k mistake on my watch.
The numbers tell the story. In 2019, 36% of divorcing Americans were 50 or older, compared to just 8.7% in 1990. For those over 65, divorce rates have tripled in the same period. This isn't a trend, it's a fundamental shift in how people approach the second half of life.
Why It's Happening More
Several forces are driving this change, and they're not going away. Understanding these patterns matters whether you're the one considering leaving or the one being left.
Financial independence has changed the equation. Women today have their own retirement accounts, work with their own advisors (many of them Certified Divorce Financial Analysts who specialize in exactly these situations), and understand what they're entitled to. The days of "my husband handles the money" are largely over. When a woman realizes she has $2 million in assets after a split, the math on staying versus leaving gets clearer.
People are living longer and living better. This is the yoga class, pickleball tournament, and hormone replacement therapy generation. Both men and women are staying active well into their 70s and 80s. When you're facing potentially 30 more years of life, settling for emotional disconnection feels less acceptable.
The stigma around divorce has faded. There's cultural support now for reinventing yourself at 60, something that would have been scandalous a generation ago. Adult children are often supportive, sometimes relieved that their parents are finally addressing what everyone could see wasn't working.
Empty nest syndrome is real. After decades focused on careers and raising children, some couples look across the dinner table and realize they've become strangers. The infrastructure that held the marriage together (shared goals around the kids, coordinated schedules, joint responsibilities) disappears, and what's left isn't enough.
One partner is growing, the other isn't. What I see consistently is a couple where one person is evolving, discovering new interests, and developing new perspectives, while the other remains static. The growing partner wants someone who can match this new version of themselves. They feel unseen, unheard, and alone even within the marriage. Women initiate 69% of divorces, and in my experience, it's often because they're the ones continuing to grow and want more out of life. But this dynamic can go either direction, and the partner who gets left often never saw it coming.
The Numbers Don't Add Up
Here's where the fantasy hits reality. Only 35% of Americans feel on track for retirement, and 36% don't have any retirement savings at all. Now take whatever they do have and split it in half. Then double the fixed expenses. Two mortgages or rents. Two cable bills. Two of everything.
The math is unforgiving. A couple with $800,000 in retirement savings might have felt reasonably secure. Two people with $400,000 each, funding separate households, face a completely different financial reality. The economies of scale that made their lifestyle possible vanish overnight.
And that's before factoring in the cost of the divorce itself. Legal fees, financial advisors, potential tax implications from asset transfers, these costs can easily consume $50,000 to $100,000 or more of those savings.
Then there's the housing reality. That $800,000 might have worked when they owned a paid-off home they bought 20 years ago for $300,000. Now one or both need new housing in today's market. What cost them $300,000 two decades ago might be $800,000 today. They're not just splitting assets; they're re-entering a housing market with prices that have doubled or tripled since they last participated. The safety of an owned home and a nest egg that took decades to build through compounding suddenly becomes financially undoable when you're starting over at 55 or 60 with half the assets and today's prices.
I see clients who fall in love with the idea of freedom without modeling what freedom actually costs. Maybe you're fine living in a one-bedroom condo with a cat and a plant, but make sure that's really the dream before you make it the reality.
The impact goes beyond just splitting assets. Women's household income typically drops by 50% in the year following divorce, while men's falls by 30%. For people in their 50s and 60s, there's limited time to rebuild what gets lost in the split.
About now, couples therapy should be starting to sound really affordable.
What Aging Alone Actually Looks Like
Let me be clear: some marriages are genuinely toxic, abusive, or so emotionally damaging that divorce is the only healthy choice, regardless of the financial cost. If you're in that situation, the numbers matter less than your well-being and safety.
But for many considering gray divorce, the decision comes from a different place. Maybe you're energized by that attractive pickleball partner who actually listens to you. Maybe you've imagined how peaceful life would be without someone who's become a stranger, or worse, someone whose habits drive you crazy. These feelings are real and valid.
The question is whether you're making decisions based on fantasy or reality. The fantasy is that you'll maintain your current lifestyle, find perfect companionship, and age gracefully in complete independence. The reality includes practical challenges that many people don't fully consider.
One client sold the family home after his divorce, thinking he'd want community in a 55+ development. Within two years, he'd moved three times - first because the HOA told him his $300 grill was 'too big,' then because he realized he'd traded his autonomy for pool parties he didn't even want. Each move cost him roughly $30k in realtor fees and moving costs. 'I'm as angry about the moving costs as I am about the divorce costs,' he told me. 'I should have just stayed put and kept my damn grill.'
Gender differences become more pronounced as we age. Women are more likely to become physically frail, less able to handle home maintenance or heavy lifting. Men tend to maintain physical strength longer but are more likely to become socially isolated and struggle with basic household management. You don't see many 75-year-old men doing meal planning or managing a social calendar.
This means that even in divorce, we remain interdependent. You might need someone in your life, not romantically necessarily, but practically. Someone who complements your strengths and compensates for your limitations. The idea of complete independence at 70 is often more fantasy than reality.
The practical challenges are real. Who drives when night vision fails? Who handles technology problems? Who notices when something's wrong with your health? These aren't romantic questions, but they're crucial ones for anyone planning to age alone.
The Family Financial Ripple Effect
People underestimate how gray divorce affects adult children and grandchildren. When you're splitting assets and doubling expenses, there's less to pass down. The inheritance your kids might have counted on gets consumed by the costs of funding two separate retirements.
For many older parents and grandparents, a significant source of joy and satisfaction comes from helping and supporting kids and grandchildren. The ability to pay for a grandchild's college fund, help with a down payment on a first home, or provide emergency support during tough times often disappears when you're stretching half your assets to cover double the expenses. What happens to that part of your life if you're financially focused on just getting by?
If you remarry, the complications multiply exponentially. I've seen too many scenarios where a 60-year-old man marries a 40-year-old woman, lives to 80, and leaves everything to his second wife. She's now 60 with potentially 30 years ahead of her. Will she honor his intentions to provide for his children from his first marriage? Maybe, but you can't guarantee it without legal protection.
This isn't cynical, it's realistic. People's priorities change. Circumstances change. Without proper trusts and prenuptial agreements, your financial legacy becomes subject to someone else's goodwill and future decisions.
Building Your Advisory Team
Gray divorce isn't a do-it-yourself project, and it's not a decision you should make in isolation. The people who navigate this successfully build a team of professionals who can help them see around corners and avoid costly mistakes.
Most advisors focus on the numbers. Most therapists focus on the feelings. I focus on making sure your emotions don't torpedo your financial future. And here's the thing - your situation isn't too crazy or intense for me. This is what I feel called to do. Helping people in their moment of distress is exactly where I want to be. So bring it on.
Some people you might want to add to your team: a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) who specializes in the financial complexities of divorce after 50. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can model different scenarios and help you understand the long-term implications of various settlement options. An accountant familiar with divorce tax implications can save you thousands in unexpected liabilities. And honestly, a therapist who understands life transitions can help you distinguish between what you're running from and what you're running toward.
With this team in place, here's what the preparation looks like.
Run comprehensive financial scenarios. Your financial team will start by mapping out your complete financial picture, including all accounts, debts, insurance policies, pension rights, and future income streams. Then they'll create a realistic budget for your separate household based on different asset division scenarios. Include everything: housing, healthcare, social activities, travel, and emergency funds. Can you actually afford the life you're imagining? If the numbers don't work, you need to know that before filing papers, not after.
Plan for different scenarios. Your team should model various settlement structures and their tax implications. What happens if you keep the house versus taking more retirement assets? How do different timing decisions affect your Social Security benefits? Professional analysis prevents expensive surprises.
Address remarriage protections early. If you do find love again, your legal and financial advisors will help protect both your interests and your children's with appropriate documents. Prenuptial agreements and trust structures aren't romantic, but they're essential. The conversation is awkward, but losing your entire estate to unintended consequences is worse.
Consider the complete life impact. Work with your therapist and financial team to understand how divorce affects your social network, your relationship with extended family, your living situation, and your daily routine. Some changes are positive, but they're all significant. Make sure you're prepared for the full scope of what changes, not just the financial pieces.
The Bottom Line
Gray divorce can offer genuine freedom and a chance at a more authentic second chapter. But it's not a reset button on your financial life. The decision deserves the same careful analysis you'd give to any major financial choice, because that's exactly what it is.
Now that you have a bit more information, my hope is you begin to build your team. If you want my help, reach out here. If not, reach out anyway and I can point you in the right direction.
The people who navigate gray divorce successfully aren't the ones who leap without looking. They're the ones who do the math, get proper counsel, and plan for the life they actually want rather than the fantasy they're escaping to. That preparation makes all the difference between divorce as a path to freedom and divorce as a path to financial struggle.
Jonathan Kolmetz is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Financial Advisor, and President of Oaks Wealth Management. He holds an MBA, a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and is passionate about helping families rewrite their money stories.